It’s been a long time since I posted, and for that omission, my apologies. I don’t have an internet connection at home, so these posts have to be written for later posting, and I don’t often seem to have the time or energy these days. It’s been a particularly difficult six months or so on every possible level, and just getting through the day often seems to use every last bit of energy, not leaving very much for extraneous activities like blogging. To be brutally honest, I’m in need of some serious support, and the options seem to be very few. I will be trying to see the doctor in the next week or so, to see what counselling and support is available in my area. Once I have some backup, these posts might come a bit more frequently!
The subject of this blog normally comes back round to Love at some point or other – not just my preoccupation, but that of virtually every writer, musician, artist in history; one of the dominant preoccupations of human life, in fact. However, so much literature, art, music, portrays love as a simple thing. Films and other visual media are particularly inclined to this presentation; girl meets boy, boy meets girl. They fall in love, whether they know it themselves or not, overcome one or two challenges, and live happily ever after – or at least happily for the foreseeable future. As much as this Arcadian perception is attractive, I do not believe it to be the whole truth. In fact, increasingly, I begin to understand how difficult and complicated love can be. For those who actively think, who aspire beyond societal norms, who grasp life by the scruff of its’ neck and shake, Love is very far from simple. Without wishing to wave a giant feminist flag, I think the difficulties are even greater for those who are unusual women.
The experience that triggered this blog chapter, though the idea has been building for some time, was seeing Jane Campion’s new film Bright Star, about Fanny Brawne and John Keats. For those who don’t know, Fanny Brawne was the love of Keats’ short life, and the inspiration for several of his most beautiful poems, including the eponymous Bright Star. From all accounts she was also a rather extraordinary young woman – intelligent, gifted, intellectually combative – particularly so for an era which prized female docility very highly. Representations of historical figures in film are always subjective, but as a representation of a type, rather than a specific person, Campion’s film, and the acting of Abbie Cornish, is acute. Love is not easy for a woman like Fanny Brawne – it risks the sublimation of her soul, her intellect and gifts, beneath a flood of preconceived ideas and societal concepts. But I am getting ahead of my own thesis.
I do not believe that one can truly love, wholly, completely, selflessly, unless one loves one’s equal. For a woman like Fanny Brawne, by simple percentages, to find an equal in the first place is undeniably more difficult than for a more ‘normal’ female. For that equal then to be unencumbered by prior commitments or entanglements, to be pleasing and compatible in personality, intellect and appearance, and most difficult of all, for that equal to love back, must surely be a one-in-a-billion chance. When one looks at love from this perspective, it must surely be a miracle that Clara Schumann, Alma Mahler, Mary Shelley or Elizabeth Barrett Browning had fulfilled loves with men whose gifts matched their own, and for each of those successes, though they too had their costs, how many must never have met their proverbial match. Thinking of extraordinary women, very few have had happy, successful, committedly monogamous love lives, and of those few who have managed the miracle, the course of their loves have often been cut short by tragedy or ill health. Those whom the Gods love, indeed.
Say the miracle was to happen, as it did for Keats and Fanny, for Elizabeth and Robert, for Alma and Gustav. What then? Did those other women feel, as Abbie Cornish’s Fanny seemed to, that they risked everything they were, that Love was as destructive an emotion as a joyous one? Were their emotions and thoughts obsessive – getting hold of a new idea and wrestling with it, trying to bend the incomprehensible to the will of intellects used to total, effortless comprehension?
Again abjuring the feminist flag-waving, why is it that women seem so different to men in this regard? Why was love so easy for Keats or Shelley or Browning to accept, and to embrace, without trying to understand it? Each man faced obstacles to his suit – debt, an inconvenient wife, a controlling father – but these could be conquered. What they did not seem to do was to create internal obstacles for themselves. They loved. They did not question why or how, they did not seek to reassure themselves of their own spiritual endurance in this state. Perhaps it is because men have always been secure in their supremacy in marriage – millennia of male dominance, the importance ascribed to his career, his intellect, his ability, in the end, to provide for a family, has left little need or awareness of any need to question whether a man may love and remain wholly himself. Even now, many men seem to prefer to maintain the status quo. Subconsciously or otherwise, they do not seek to love their equal – many unusual or extraordinary men choose partners who are decorative, certainly, but docile, submissive and unchallenging, rather than a female whose gifts or intellect matches their own. Ego and laziness often seem to win over equality and the challenging, exciting, enervating effects of a true partnership. In contrast, an extraordinary or unusual woman whose love for an equal is spurned, or who does not achieve the miraculous confluence of circumstance to meet her match, rarely accepts an unequal pairing – Maria Callas is the first example to come to mind. Spurned by Onassis for Jackie Kennedy, Callas lived the rest of her life alone, rather than accepting a man not her equal. Mae West, Aphra Behn, Jane Austen, the Brontes – I could go on listing for a long time. These women may take a lover, or many, but they do not commit themselves to a man they know is not their equal. Is it because we know ourselves better, or are the risks so much greater, and our history, as women, so full of genius lost to the submission of inequality, that we have grown more wary? Is that why love is so difficult for an unusual woman?
I am fortunate, or cursed, depending on your point of view, to come from a long line of unusual women. There’s the great-great grandmother who was a major part of the Victorian literary scene – a close personal friend of both Dickens and Sir Walter Scott - the great-great aunt who attended Medical School before women could be granted degrees in medicine, the great-grandmother who was an early female member of the Royal Academy, the great-aunt who was one of the first women to gain a degree in Physics, the grandmother who ran an essential national industry during the Second World War, and the mother who was invited to the White House to advise the Clinton administration, and who may well be nominated for a Nobel Prize in any of at least three categories some time in the next decade or so. Quite a lot to live up to, when one thinks about it – even when one just takes the last few generations. That so many of these unusual women have had the fortune to meet similarly unusual, and really quite remarkably enlightened men, is a source of immense hope. However, against this legacy, I have to set the first-hand experience of what happens, one way or another, when an unusual woman is committed to a man who is not her equal, even though at first glance he may seem to be a perfectly good match. It seems inevitable – a pattern that repeats again and again, not just in my parents’ marriage. Initially, or even for a long time, the man is supportive, maybe even excited by his wife or partner’s endeavours. Eventually though, as her star rises, he becomes jealous of her success, even if he is also successful, he feels threatened by her enhanced earning capacity and the freedom that implicitly gives her – freedom that he fears, and which somehow emasculates him. Perhaps he feels lonely, or in some way abandoned, and his responses to this are rarely rational – controlling behaviour, unpredictable rage, infidelity. He behaves, in short, like a toddler or baby – incapable of controlling or analyzing his emotional impulses. If he is a particular type of man, he will endeavour to manipulate her, and others around them, whose complicity with his behaviour may eventually “cut her down to size” – a very small size, where she can be dominated, her achievements belittled, her self-worth destroyed and her freedom curtailed. Only the very strongest can escape, and the consequences are far-reaching and long-lasting.
It is over six years since my parents separated – my mother had to change the locks and leave my father’s car, complete with divorce papers, at the airport when he was away on another golfing holiday to be free, he having robbed her of her financial freedom, the company she had spent two decades building, her physical and mental health, and most of her indomitable spirit. It later emerged that he had been preparing too – transferring all assets out of her name, consulting a lawyer to find out exactly what his child-support liabilities would be. Heaven only knows what state she would now be in if he’d got there first. However much it clashed with her ideals – that marriage was for life, and that after over thirty years to give up seemed weak, not to mention the first divorce in family history – she acted. Six years later, my mother is still impoverished, her ability to trust is destroyed, and she will probably never have romance in her life again, while my father lives in luxury with his new wife. He still tries to control all of us, holding his financial superiority, and ability, though disinclination, to help my sister and me over our heads, and our mother’s, as the ultimate blackmail tool.
Some bitterness is inevitable, but Mama feels lighter, happier and more free than at any time in the last four decades, albeit after several years of reliance on numbing anti-depressants, at least three major medical procedures and endless financial trauma for her, and by extension, my sister, and to a lesser extent, me. If a woman like my mother – extraordinarily talented, educated to PhD level, a world-traveller, at the top of her field, with business acumen, family money and high earning ability – can be broken to this extent by an unequal match, is it any surprise that other similar women recognise, even if only subconsciously, the inherent dangers, and approach love with such caution. From a logical perspective, from my experience, I would say they are wise to do so – the same, or a similar scenario plays out over and over again, sometimes privately, sometimes in the public eye – but how overwhelmingly sad, and frankly, depressing, the necessity. And how can we even begin to know how many do not escape, and are lost?
Fanny Brawne was right to fight, right to doubt until she knew beyond doubt that her match was her equal, and that he would not seek to subdue her. An unusual woman, for whom love is more difficult than for most, but for whom, when it is right, when the match is equal and the spirit is whole, Love is inspirational - not just for the two most intimately involved, but also for the rest of the world, who can look on in wonder, and derive awe and pleasure from the miracle made real.
Sunday, 15 November 2009
An unhealthy relationship
No posts for ages, then two come along at once –like buses, or, theoretically, men! I’ve had this ready to post for some time, and then the next followed before I’d had time to post…
Food is both my best friend and my worst enemy. I love it for its’ ability to uplift, to distract, to elicit memories and stir the senses, to nourish both body and soul. Simultaneously, I loathe it for its’ guilt-inducing properties, ability to make me even more self-conscious, and for the effect it has - expanding my waistline, hips, thighs, upper arms; obscuring my collarbones – and the knock-on effect that has on my self-confidence.
My relationship with food runs in swings and round-abouts. At times, sometimes for long periods, I can control my desires, can enforce the self-discipline requisite to eat little and exercise much. For example, from roughly September 2007 until June of 2008, food and I were friends – a little give and take here and there, but mostly on good terms. This period was inspired by the works of Mireille Giuliano – author of French Women Don’t Get Fat and coincided with one of the busiest, happiest and most successful periods of my life to date, and marked a rise in self-confidence unparalleled before or since. At other times, such as now, when I am bored and under-employed, simultaneously stressed and relaxed, when my kitchen scales are broken, my purse empty and my will-power virtually non-existent, when I am lonely and treats are all around me, the fridge is full of sweet things required by the non-existent appetite of my elderly housemate, and I spend far too much time at home, essentially by myself, without many sources of distraction, food wins the battle without even a token resistance.
I’m sure food is not supposed to be a battle of these proportions – few of my friends and colleagues seem to find it so. There are the usual “oh, I’ve been so naughty”, “oh, I mustn’t, but go on!” exclamations from the perfectly slim. There are the ones who seem to eat what they please, exercise not at all and never gain an ounce on their perfect size 10 bodies. There are the girls, and increasingly men, who seem to actually enjoy existing on salad, and there are a few who were my size once upon a time, or larger, albeit usually on much smaller frames, who suddenly, miraculously, seemed to shed their oversize skins and emerge as perfect, immaculate, societally-pleasing mannequins. None of these girls seem willing to share the story of exactly how they achieved this remarkable transformation, but their implication is always that it was easy, no big deal, that one day they just decided to stop enjoying food and start enjoying sweaty, masochistic pain I’ve been on and off diets since I was eight years old. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that it is not easy. I also know that there must be a reason why some see food as a small part of life, and others, myself included, see it as a minefield of emotions to be crossed with enormous care and trepidation.
My mother was very good about food. Three good meals a day, very limited snacking, and certain things – sugary, salty, yummy things - definitely reserved for treats. In fact, so determined was she to avoid excess sugar, colourings and preservatives, that she made our own ice-cream, muesli bars with an excess of nuts (for my taste), and homemade birthday cakes that were undoubtedly the coolest and most creative cakes around, but never, ever, had buttercream icing. Highly coloured fizzy drinks and Coca Cola were banned outright. Even lemonade or ginger ale was for special occasions only. Crisps, when we, very rarely, had them were only ever ‘lightly salted’, gum was out altogether (unladylike) and there was a very definite line between ‘good’ and ‘bad’ foods. As a young woman, she had been impossibly thin – her old seventies skirts and dresses in the dress-up trunk confirmed that – I doubt even Scarlett O’Hara’s legendary 17-inch waist would have got into one of my mother’s skirts. Certainly, I never have, in conscious memory. Photos until around 1989, well after my arrival and some time after that of my sister, still show a remarkably good figure. I remember that she went swimming and to yoga before my younger sister was born, five years after I, but I imagine that the stress of having two young daughters, a business just on the edge of taking off, an increasingly difficult husband, and the ever-decreasing metabolism of a woman in her 40’s probably contributed to the rounder figure I remember consciously and know well.
I don’t consciously remember when I started using food as an emotional crutch. I remember feeling simultaneously ‘special’ and a little self-righteous and utterly deprived by my mother’s seemingly unreasonable stance on mass-produced ice cream and butter-creamed birthday cakes (I still don’t know what that particular issue was about!), and I remember her attempts to help when classmates taunted me for being ‘fat’ – I was certainly a chubby kid, in the way many small children are, but hardly deserving of that derogatorily-toned epithet – by taking me to Weight Watchers, or sending me to school with lunches made up entirely of fresh fruit and vegetables, and cottage cheese, which I still can barely bring myself to eat, unless on Ryvita crackers with tomatoes and LOTS of salt and pepper. I remember occasional furtive forays up the step-ladder to attempt to find a ‘treat’ – more a form of mild rebellion than anything else - and the usual distressing absence of anything appealing in the ‘treats cupboard’ above the crockery cupboard, and the subsequent substitution of crumpets with butter and honey, or English muffins or cinnamon toast. I really don’t remember when it was, but I do remember the discovery that the chocolate chips were kept in a jar on the top shelf in the pantry, and that with very little mountaineering I could reach the jar and devour handfuls at a time, or pour the pieces straight into my mouth, and that they were easily replaced from the packets kept in the ingredient drawers underneath the work bench. Why it never occurred to me just to take the packets, I’ve no idea.
From there, it escalated. Food was an escape, a distraction – something essential to a little girl with a ludicrously high IQ, whose day-to-day school life left her totally unstimulated, despite the efforts of individual teachers, my mother and a raft of child psychologists. A rather lonely little girl, whose family was disintegrating around her, with a father becoming more irrational, violent, and unpredictable by the day, and a mother who was away overseas for several months of the year. Don’t get me wrong – she was right to go away, and I’m quite sure that being a stay-at-home mother would have been deeply unhealthy for both her and us. I understand the need to get out of a terrifyingly small and narrow-minded society – after all, I started trying to find a way out when I was barely in my teens, and moved halfway around the world two months after my nineteenth birthday. Every time I’ve been back – three times in eight years – the insidious claustrophobia begins to get me even as I touch down in the self-important, grotty, provincial airport. Nonetheless, as a seven, or ten or twelve year old, feeling abandoned to the untender mercies of a wrathful father and a string of more-or-less spineless and incompetent nannies, it felt like desertion. Food filled that gap. Food was comforting and increasingly easy to get – increased imports of American and European foods – things I’d tried on our travels – increasing influence over the contents of the supermarket trolley, culminating in my teens when I actually did the household grocery shopping, sparing my mother one of her most detested tasks and fundamentally changing the contents of our cupboards, and easier access to money – pocket money, bank accounts, small change filched from my parents’ dressing table – all meant that my food intake was no longer regulated by my mother’s rules. Being forbidden fruit, naturally all the ‘bad’ foods were the most appealing, and ‘bad’ foods consumed in private, furtively, with the thrill of possible discovery, were the best of all.
To the public eye, even in my worst food phases, I eat normally, well even, with restraint and appreciation. What the public doesn’t see is the bingeing – whether an all-out emotional binge – of which there hasn’t been a major episode in several years – or the more normal consistent day-to-day bingeing – eating too much of something, or a treat, or several, every day, even when my better, rational self is shouting “NO”, even when the motivations that should give me will power to resist are so visible and when I know that my aspirations, my hopes and dreams are not well-served by this behaviour.
Food replaces so many things in my life – friendship, comfort, intellectual stimulation, love – I don’t know how to begin to eliminate the excess from my life. I feel I am fighting so many battles at the moment, that this is one battle too many, yet it is one I must start fighting, and I must win. I’m tall and solidly built, so the fat doesn’t show on me as it would on a smaller person. Nonetheless, it has to go. For my long-term health, for my self-esteem, for my sanity, for my hope of some sexual contact with someone at some point in the future. Unfortunately, I think that the fat has become a defence – that in some way, my mind hangs onto it, and enhances it, because it is a barrier between me and the things I consciously desire most – a successful career, a loving, physical relationship – and subconsciously fear. Somehow I have to convince my brain to let go. In reality, I’m not even sure if it’s the fat keeping me safe, or me keeping the fat safe – how messed up is that!?
Logically, I know that there are people far larger than me with successful careers in my field, and millions around the globe who have full, satisfying romantic and sexual lives. Instinctively though, I do not believe that I can have either while I am still overweight. Why I should be afraid of either is a mystery, and I don’t really think I am afraid of career success – especially right now, I’d welcome it. Sex, on the other hand, and intimacy with a male even more, poses a few terrors, mostly I am sure, related to my very difficult relationship with my father. Although in the last few years things have improved somewhat in that sphere, at a subconscious level, it seems I’m still a little girl, terrified that the man who is supposed to love her unconditionally is really going to lose his temper this time, and petrified of the consequences. It’s pretty easy to see how that sort of fear might spill over to inhibit any possible romantic attachments. Love equals fear. Fat equals a safety blanket.
Like I said, not a healthy relationship.
Food is both my best friend and my worst enemy. I love it for its’ ability to uplift, to distract, to elicit memories and stir the senses, to nourish both body and soul. Simultaneously, I loathe it for its’ guilt-inducing properties, ability to make me even more self-conscious, and for the effect it has - expanding my waistline, hips, thighs, upper arms; obscuring my collarbones – and the knock-on effect that has on my self-confidence.
My relationship with food runs in swings and round-abouts. At times, sometimes for long periods, I can control my desires, can enforce the self-discipline requisite to eat little and exercise much. For example, from roughly September 2007 until June of 2008, food and I were friends – a little give and take here and there, but mostly on good terms. This period was inspired by the works of Mireille Giuliano – author of French Women Don’t Get Fat and coincided with one of the busiest, happiest and most successful periods of my life to date, and marked a rise in self-confidence unparalleled before or since. At other times, such as now, when I am bored and under-employed, simultaneously stressed and relaxed, when my kitchen scales are broken, my purse empty and my will-power virtually non-existent, when I am lonely and treats are all around me, the fridge is full of sweet things required by the non-existent appetite of my elderly housemate, and I spend far too much time at home, essentially by myself, without many sources of distraction, food wins the battle without even a token resistance.
I’m sure food is not supposed to be a battle of these proportions – few of my friends and colleagues seem to find it so. There are the usual “oh, I’ve been so naughty”, “oh, I mustn’t, but go on!” exclamations from the perfectly slim. There are the ones who seem to eat what they please, exercise not at all and never gain an ounce on their perfect size 10 bodies. There are the girls, and increasingly men, who seem to actually enjoy existing on salad, and there are a few who were my size once upon a time, or larger, albeit usually on much smaller frames, who suddenly, miraculously, seemed to shed their oversize skins and emerge as perfect, immaculate, societally-pleasing mannequins. None of these girls seem willing to share the story of exactly how they achieved this remarkable transformation, but their implication is always that it was easy, no big deal, that one day they just decided to stop enjoying food and start enjoying sweaty, masochistic pain I’ve been on and off diets since I was eight years old. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that it is not easy. I also know that there must be a reason why some see food as a small part of life, and others, myself included, see it as a minefield of emotions to be crossed with enormous care and trepidation.
My mother was very good about food. Three good meals a day, very limited snacking, and certain things – sugary, salty, yummy things - definitely reserved for treats. In fact, so determined was she to avoid excess sugar, colourings and preservatives, that she made our own ice-cream, muesli bars with an excess of nuts (for my taste), and homemade birthday cakes that were undoubtedly the coolest and most creative cakes around, but never, ever, had buttercream icing. Highly coloured fizzy drinks and Coca Cola were banned outright. Even lemonade or ginger ale was for special occasions only. Crisps, when we, very rarely, had them were only ever ‘lightly salted’, gum was out altogether (unladylike) and there was a very definite line between ‘good’ and ‘bad’ foods. As a young woman, she had been impossibly thin – her old seventies skirts and dresses in the dress-up trunk confirmed that – I doubt even Scarlett O’Hara’s legendary 17-inch waist would have got into one of my mother’s skirts. Certainly, I never have, in conscious memory. Photos until around 1989, well after my arrival and some time after that of my sister, still show a remarkably good figure. I remember that she went swimming and to yoga before my younger sister was born, five years after I, but I imagine that the stress of having two young daughters, a business just on the edge of taking off, an increasingly difficult husband, and the ever-decreasing metabolism of a woman in her 40’s probably contributed to the rounder figure I remember consciously and know well.
I don’t consciously remember when I started using food as an emotional crutch. I remember feeling simultaneously ‘special’ and a little self-righteous and utterly deprived by my mother’s seemingly unreasonable stance on mass-produced ice cream and butter-creamed birthday cakes (I still don’t know what that particular issue was about!), and I remember her attempts to help when classmates taunted me for being ‘fat’ – I was certainly a chubby kid, in the way many small children are, but hardly deserving of that derogatorily-toned epithet – by taking me to Weight Watchers, or sending me to school with lunches made up entirely of fresh fruit and vegetables, and cottage cheese, which I still can barely bring myself to eat, unless on Ryvita crackers with tomatoes and LOTS of salt and pepper. I remember occasional furtive forays up the step-ladder to attempt to find a ‘treat’ – more a form of mild rebellion than anything else - and the usual distressing absence of anything appealing in the ‘treats cupboard’ above the crockery cupboard, and the subsequent substitution of crumpets with butter and honey, or English muffins or cinnamon toast. I really don’t remember when it was, but I do remember the discovery that the chocolate chips were kept in a jar on the top shelf in the pantry, and that with very little mountaineering I could reach the jar and devour handfuls at a time, or pour the pieces straight into my mouth, and that they were easily replaced from the packets kept in the ingredient drawers underneath the work bench. Why it never occurred to me just to take the packets, I’ve no idea.
From there, it escalated. Food was an escape, a distraction – something essential to a little girl with a ludicrously high IQ, whose day-to-day school life left her totally unstimulated, despite the efforts of individual teachers, my mother and a raft of child psychologists. A rather lonely little girl, whose family was disintegrating around her, with a father becoming more irrational, violent, and unpredictable by the day, and a mother who was away overseas for several months of the year. Don’t get me wrong – she was right to go away, and I’m quite sure that being a stay-at-home mother would have been deeply unhealthy for both her and us. I understand the need to get out of a terrifyingly small and narrow-minded society – after all, I started trying to find a way out when I was barely in my teens, and moved halfway around the world two months after my nineteenth birthday. Every time I’ve been back – three times in eight years – the insidious claustrophobia begins to get me even as I touch down in the self-important, grotty, provincial airport. Nonetheless, as a seven, or ten or twelve year old, feeling abandoned to the untender mercies of a wrathful father and a string of more-or-less spineless and incompetent nannies, it felt like desertion. Food filled that gap. Food was comforting and increasingly easy to get – increased imports of American and European foods – things I’d tried on our travels – increasing influence over the contents of the supermarket trolley, culminating in my teens when I actually did the household grocery shopping, sparing my mother one of her most detested tasks and fundamentally changing the contents of our cupboards, and easier access to money – pocket money, bank accounts, small change filched from my parents’ dressing table – all meant that my food intake was no longer regulated by my mother’s rules. Being forbidden fruit, naturally all the ‘bad’ foods were the most appealing, and ‘bad’ foods consumed in private, furtively, with the thrill of possible discovery, were the best of all.
To the public eye, even in my worst food phases, I eat normally, well even, with restraint and appreciation. What the public doesn’t see is the bingeing – whether an all-out emotional binge – of which there hasn’t been a major episode in several years – or the more normal consistent day-to-day bingeing – eating too much of something, or a treat, or several, every day, even when my better, rational self is shouting “NO”, even when the motivations that should give me will power to resist are so visible and when I know that my aspirations, my hopes and dreams are not well-served by this behaviour.
Food replaces so many things in my life – friendship, comfort, intellectual stimulation, love – I don’t know how to begin to eliminate the excess from my life. I feel I am fighting so many battles at the moment, that this is one battle too many, yet it is one I must start fighting, and I must win. I’m tall and solidly built, so the fat doesn’t show on me as it would on a smaller person. Nonetheless, it has to go. For my long-term health, for my self-esteem, for my sanity, for my hope of some sexual contact with someone at some point in the future. Unfortunately, I think that the fat has become a defence – that in some way, my mind hangs onto it, and enhances it, because it is a barrier between me and the things I consciously desire most – a successful career, a loving, physical relationship – and subconsciously fear. Somehow I have to convince my brain to let go. In reality, I’m not even sure if it’s the fat keeping me safe, or me keeping the fat safe – how messed up is that!?
Logically, I know that there are people far larger than me with successful careers in my field, and millions around the globe who have full, satisfying romantic and sexual lives. Instinctively though, I do not believe that I can have either while I am still overweight. Why I should be afraid of either is a mystery, and I don’t really think I am afraid of career success – especially right now, I’d welcome it. Sex, on the other hand, and intimacy with a male even more, poses a few terrors, mostly I am sure, related to my very difficult relationship with my father. Although in the last few years things have improved somewhat in that sphere, at a subconscious level, it seems I’m still a little girl, terrified that the man who is supposed to love her unconditionally is really going to lose his temper this time, and petrified of the consequences. It’s pretty easy to see how that sort of fear might spill over to inhibit any possible romantic attachments. Love equals fear. Fat equals a safety blanket.
Like I said, not a healthy relationship.
Saturday, 24 October 2009
No, I really haven't disappeared.
Hello all you lovely people.
Just a quick note to say that I haven't vanished, and I hope to be back to blogging soon. Life got just a bit more challenging, and I don't currently have regular internet access. Again. Grrr.
Hopefully all sorted soon, and then you won't be able to keep me away.
Love to you all, and try to keep smiling!
Just a quick note to say that I haven't vanished, and I hope to be back to blogging soon. Life got just a bit more challenging, and I don't currently have regular internet access. Again. Grrr.
Hopefully all sorted soon, and then you won't be able to keep me away.
Love to you all, and try to keep smiling!
Monday, 14 September 2009
No, I have not disappeared off the face of the earth. Would anyone have noticed anyway?
As you can probably tell from my title, I'm feeling rather down tonight. It's been a while since I posted, for a variety of reasons, including a family crisis and a fairly long work trip from which I have just returned. I should be happy. The trip was successful, to beautiful, sunny places. However, I came back to discover that most of my so-called friends hadn't even realised I was away, to three bills and no other post, to a myriad of emails, but none I wanted to read, and to what seems an endless loneliness. I just wish there was someone, anyone, who gave a toss, who might have met me at the airport, or called and said "I've missed you. Let's have a coffee this week and catch up".
It probably doesn't help that these trips also mean an abysmal diet - far too much bread, and only easy, fatty proteins, like cheese and salami. Anything I can buy cheaply, and eat, picnic-style, in my uber-cheap hotel rooms. Lots of fruit as well - it's so cheap there - but that doesn't change the fact that all my clothes feel just that bit too tight, and I feel even more physically repulsive than usual.
When is this going to change? When is there going to be someone in my life who would notice if I disappeared entirely? My mother doesn't count - she needs me to answer the phone to prop her up, as much as anything else. Is it even possible that it will? I spent the second week at an industry event. I overheard countless propositions, I witnessed years of flirtation being squished into a few days. It seemed that everyone was feeling the love, except me. Perhaps I give off "Don't even think about it" vibes. Maybe I really am intimidating.
Ignore me please, tonight I feel desperately lonely, unloved and unloveable, and very, very sorry for myself. Must be PMS - normally I deal with this much, much better.
It probably doesn't help that these trips also mean an abysmal diet - far too much bread, and only easy, fatty proteins, like cheese and salami. Anything I can buy cheaply, and eat, picnic-style, in my uber-cheap hotel rooms. Lots of fruit as well - it's so cheap there - but that doesn't change the fact that all my clothes feel just that bit too tight, and I feel even more physically repulsive than usual.
When is this going to change? When is there going to be someone in my life who would notice if I disappeared entirely? My mother doesn't count - she needs me to answer the phone to prop her up, as much as anything else. Is it even possible that it will? I spent the second week at an industry event. I overheard countless propositions, I witnessed years of flirtation being squished into a few days. It seemed that everyone was feeling the love, except me. Perhaps I give off "Don't even think about it" vibes. Maybe I really am intimidating.
Ignore me please, tonight I feel desperately lonely, unloved and unloveable, and very, very sorry for myself. Must be PMS - normally I deal with this much, much better.
Wednesday, 5 August 2009
Mythical Beasts
Another month, another post. For anyone who is wondering, I did eventually text the gentleman I referred to in my last post, but received no response. He later accepted my ‘friend’ request on Facebook, and I note that his status still shows him as ‘In a Relationship’, so perhaps that’s why. I’d like to think so, at least, instead of thinking him less of a gentleman and more of a cad. Perhaps I completely misunderstood our interaction. Ah, well. As little as I wish to be pragmatic about the situation, and as difficult as it is – I actually thought about whether or not I would be willing to give up my long-fought-for career for this man, should it be necessary - it seems the only course open to me. Which leads to my recent train of thought. Actually, it has occurred to me before, but I have always been able to dismiss it. Not so much, any more.
I’m twenty-seven. I have never been kissed, romantically, I have never, in fact, had anything that could be termed a relationship, or even been on a measly singular date. I have certainly never been physically intimate with a man or boy. Had I got into that cab last month, I’d have been in a fairly tricky situation, with my probable partner assuming, not unreasonably, that I know a lot more than I do. And perhaps that is how it’s supposed to be for me. If we were all meant to find a partner, if we were all meant to be part of a pair, then the terms ‘spinster’ and ‘bachelor’ would never have come into being, yet there they are, large as life in the Oxford English Dictionary. There are more women than men in the world, despite the anti-female bias that still exists in China and large swathes of the Middle East. It is inevitable, therefore, that some of us will simply miss out when it comes to finding a male alter ego.
I have several colleagues, now in their mid- to late-forties, who have only recently married, and maybe that will be me as well. From this point, that seems an awfully long wait, but it’s a better prospect than the idea of remaining single for the rest of my life, and at least holds out some hope. Of course, by then, I will have had to make some fairly big decisions about my fertility and my desire to have a child or children, which these colleagues seem to have eschewed entirely. Single motherhood, which I could only in good conscience undertake if I were to be financially secure and independent, is obviously a daunting prospect, but infinitely preferable to the idea of being childless. I want to be a mother, albeit not right now. If I can’t find a partner, should that part of a woman’s life be denied me also?
I am trying not to dwell on the reasons why no-one has ever been interested in me romantically, or at least not enough to do anything about it, because it is too depressing, and frankly, too humiliating. Terminal loneliness is fairly ghastly at the best of times, and when a difficult patch in life coincides with the realisation that the overwhelming majority of ones’ close friends are married, engaged or likely to be that way within the next year, it’s pretty hard to take. I think even my mother, previously the champion of remaining independent and only being ‘friends’ with men – and she doesn’t mean the sort with benefits – has started to realise that there is something fundamentally off about a twenty-seven year old daughter who has zero romantic history. Single and twenty-seven is one thing. Twenty-seven, with no past entanglements at all is quite another. Maybe I’m strong enough to take it, most of the time, and maybe that’s the core of the problem. Who knows? Meanwhile, in the full knowledge that it’s about as likely as a real lightning strike, I shall continue hoping every time I get into a bus, or a tube carriage, or enter a new situation or group of people, for that elusive, mythical coup de foudre. I shall continue to read the London paper’s love-struck column, in the hope that one day I’ll recognise a description of myself contained therein, and I will no doubt continue to live life the way I wish it was in my head, where my imagination can create, fleetingly, a connection I ache for, but increasingly doubt I will ever have.
In other news, does anyone know of a good food therapist in London? I need to sort out my relationship with food – it is not healthy.
I’m twenty-seven. I have never been kissed, romantically, I have never, in fact, had anything that could be termed a relationship, or even been on a measly singular date. I have certainly never been physically intimate with a man or boy. Had I got into that cab last month, I’d have been in a fairly tricky situation, with my probable partner assuming, not unreasonably, that I know a lot more than I do. And perhaps that is how it’s supposed to be for me. If we were all meant to find a partner, if we were all meant to be part of a pair, then the terms ‘spinster’ and ‘bachelor’ would never have come into being, yet there they are, large as life in the Oxford English Dictionary. There are more women than men in the world, despite the anti-female bias that still exists in China and large swathes of the Middle East. It is inevitable, therefore, that some of us will simply miss out when it comes to finding a male alter ego.
I have several colleagues, now in their mid- to late-forties, who have only recently married, and maybe that will be me as well. From this point, that seems an awfully long wait, but it’s a better prospect than the idea of remaining single for the rest of my life, and at least holds out some hope. Of course, by then, I will have had to make some fairly big decisions about my fertility and my desire to have a child or children, which these colleagues seem to have eschewed entirely. Single motherhood, which I could only in good conscience undertake if I were to be financially secure and independent, is obviously a daunting prospect, but infinitely preferable to the idea of being childless. I want to be a mother, albeit not right now. If I can’t find a partner, should that part of a woman’s life be denied me also?
I am trying not to dwell on the reasons why no-one has ever been interested in me romantically, or at least not enough to do anything about it, because it is too depressing, and frankly, too humiliating. Terminal loneliness is fairly ghastly at the best of times, and when a difficult patch in life coincides with the realisation that the overwhelming majority of ones’ close friends are married, engaged or likely to be that way within the next year, it’s pretty hard to take. I think even my mother, previously the champion of remaining independent and only being ‘friends’ with men – and she doesn’t mean the sort with benefits – has started to realise that there is something fundamentally off about a twenty-seven year old daughter who has zero romantic history. Single and twenty-seven is one thing. Twenty-seven, with no past entanglements at all is quite another. Maybe I’m strong enough to take it, most of the time, and maybe that’s the core of the problem. Who knows? Meanwhile, in the full knowledge that it’s about as likely as a real lightning strike, I shall continue hoping every time I get into a bus, or a tube carriage, or enter a new situation or group of people, for that elusive, mythical coup de foudre. I shall continue to read the London paper’s love-struck column, in the hope that one day I’ll recognise a description of myself contained therein, and I will no doubt continue to live life the way I wish it was in my head, where my imagination can create, fleetingly, a connection I ache for, but increasingly doubt I will ever have.
In other news, does anyone know of a good food therapist in London? I need to sort out my relationship with food – it is not healthy.
Sunday, 12 July 2009
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered
I’ve been somewhat silent for a while, mainly because I no longer have easy internet access, so long typing sessions aren’t terribly practical. However, I find this very therapeutic, so I’m going to try typing entries up and then posting them when I’m online.
The past few weeks have been challenging in a number of ways – I’ve moved city, discovered that the solution for living arrangements I was so happy with is probably not going to work out, panicked, tried not to panic, met some lovely people, attended a course about subjects far removed from my normal preoccupations, and had a mixture of absolutely awful and simply fabulous times.
I think I’ve also been chatted up a couple of times, but as per usual I’m somewhat oblivious and haven’t noticed until I’ve thought about it afterwards!
However, I am a little confused. The course I took part in last week was really quite extraordinary, and reminded me of several things – how much I enjoy the company of intelligent, well-educated people, how lovely it is to be treated like a lady again, after several years of male company that could rarely be described as ‘gentlemanly’, how much I like nice things, nice places and a sense of affluence (sadly, this does not reflect the state of my bank balance, but that’s a moan for another time!). The majority of the participants were somewhat younger than I, but mostly very bright, and the week as a whole was a great pleasure.
The confusion arises from the behaviour of a certain gentleman – in my age range, successful, charming, charismatic, generous, highly intelligent – in short, generally a delightful companion, and both extremely attractive and accomplished to boot. We have a lot in common, and I thoroughly enjoyed his company. We worked together on several projects during the week, and I assumed that his interest was simply friendly – taking a pleasant and polite interest in a colleague with whom you share quite a lot in common. I registered fairly fast that he was attractive, but it didn’t even cross my mind that he might think the same of me.
Late in the week, several of us went out. I needed to go home briefly, so met up with the others slightly later than planned. When I arrived, he, uncharacteristically discourteously, leant behind the back of the person sitting between us to talk to me and was disarmingly honest and really rather funny about the progress of the evening to date. We all moved on to another venue, we sat next to each other, and though there was plenty of space, there was a certain amount of leg-contact – leg leaning against leg – going on. An accidental-seeming brush against my breast, which he surprisingly didn’t apologise for, and some rather flirtatious, but possibly just high-spirited, behaviour, though nothing overt, added to the fun. Dancing followed, though group- rather than couple-oriented. Frankly, I was having huge amounts of fun! Then, at the end of the evening, when saying goodbye, he said “You’re coming with me, I presume”, twice in a short space of time. The evening before, he’d dropped me off at home on his way to another function, so he knew that I live in the opposite direction to him. I pointed out that it wasn’t geographically sensible, and he seemed a bit taken aback, and then left without any further ado. Did he in fact assume that I was going home with him? It seems unlikely to me, but I am now mentally reviewing the evening in some perplexity. Yes, we’d all drunk a fair bit, but as far as I could tell, intellects were not impaired on either side of this equation.
The following day, he seemed a little cool towards me (though this could have been the hangover!), then made quite a big deal of getting me to text him a photo of the evening before – we now both have each other’s number. Later on, he dropped a query regarding relationship status into a conversation I was having with another girl. I overheard him say earlier in the week that he’d just come out of a long-ish relationship and wasn’t really looking for a ‘replacement’. I’m puzzled. He’s very nice, extremely attractive, and to be honest, I rather wish I’d just got in the taxi with him as he seemed to assume I would – at least then I’d know what he meant!
Did I misunderstand completely? What do you think? Am I reading an attraction on his part into a perfectly innocent situation, possibly because I find him rather appealing? Or did I miss the clues completely? He’s away this weekend, but will be back in town at some point in the next few weeks. I know he has my number and I have his. We will be connected on Facebook in a few days via a course page, and I’d definitely like to see him again – he’d be a great friend, if nothing else – but it seems a little odd to pursue on the strength of a week’s acquaintance and a few confusing moments, and seems unlikely somehow – he’s far more glamorous than I, and could probably pick up almost anyone he chose.
Advice, please! Bewitched, bothered and bewildered am I!
The past few weeks have been challenging in a number of ways – I’ve moved city, discovered that the solution for living arrangements I was so happy with is probably not going to work out, panicked, tried not to panic, met some lovely people, attended a course about subjects far removed from my normal preoccupations, and had a mixture of absolutely awful and simply fabulous times.
I think I’ve also been chatted up a couple of times, but as per usual I’m somewhat oblivious and haven’t noticed until I’ve thought about it afterwards!
However, I am a little confused. The course I took part in last week was really quite extraordinary, and reminded me of several things – how much I enjoy the company of intelligent, well-educated people, how lovely it is to be treated like a lady again, after several years of male company that could rarely be described as ‘gentlemanly’, how much I like nice things, nice places and a sense of affluence (sadly, this does not reflect the state of my bank balance, but that’s a moan for another time!). The majority of the participants were somewhat younger than I, but mostly very bright, and the week as a whole was a great pleasure.
The confusion arises from the behaviour of a certain gentleman – in my age range, successful, charming, charismatic, generous, highly intelligent – in short, generally a delightful companion, and both extremely attractive and accomplished to boot. We have a lot in common, and I thoroughly enjoyed his company. We worked together on several projects during the week, and I assumed that his interest was simply friendly – taking a pleasant and polite interest in a colleague with whom you share quite a lot in common. I registered fairly fast that he was attractive, but it didn’t even cross my mind that he might think the same of me.
Late in the week, several of us went out. I needed to go home briefly, so met up with the others slightly later than planned. When I arrived, he, uncharacteristically discourteously, leant behind the back of the person sitting between us to talk to me and was disarmingly honest and really rather funny about the progress of the evening to date. We all moved on to another venue, we sat next to each other, and though there was plenty of space, there was a certain amount of leg-contact – leg leaning against leg – going on. An accidental-seeming brush against my breast, which he surprisingly didn’t apologise for, and some rather flirtatious, but possibly just high-spirited, behaviour, though nothing overt, added to the fun. Dancing followed, though group- rather than couple-oriented. Frankly, I was having huge amounts of fun! Then, at the end of the evening, when saying goodbye, he said “You’re coming with me, I presume”, twice in a short space of time. The evening before, he’d dropped me off at home on his way to another function, so he knew that I live in the opposite direction to him. I pointed out that it wasn’t geographically sensible, and he seemed a bit taken aback, and then left without any further ado. Did he in fact assume that I was going home with him? It seems unlikely to me, but I am now mentally reviewing the evening in some perplexity. Yes, we’d all drunk a fair bit, but as far as I could tell, intellects were not impaired on either side of this equation.
The following day, he seemed a little cool towards me (though this could have been the hangover!), then made quite a big deal of getting me to text him a photo of the evening before – we now both have each other’s number. Later on, he dropped a query regarding relationship status into a conversation I was having with another girl. I overheard him say earlier in the week that he’d just come out of a long-ish relationship and wasn’t really looking for a ‘replacement’. I’m puzzled. He’s very nice, extremely attractive, and to be honest, I rather wish I’d just got in the taxi with him as he seemed to assume I would – at least then I’d know what he meant!
Did I misunderstand completely? What do you think? Am I reading an attraction on his part into a perfectly innocent situation, possibly because I find him rather appealing? Or did I miss the clues completely? He’s away this weekend, but will be back in town at some point in the next few weeks. I know he has my number and I have his. We will be connected on Facebook in a few days via a course page, and I’d definitely like to see him again – he’d be a great friend, if nothing else – but it seems a little odd to pursue on the strength of a week’s acquaintance and a few confusing moments, and seems unlikely somehow – he’s far more glamorous than I, and could probably pick up almost anyone he chose.
Advice, please! Bewitched, bothered and bewildered am I!
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered
I’ve been somewhat silent for a while, mainly because I no longer have easy internet access, so long typing sessions aren’t terribly practical. However, I find this very therapeutic, so I’m going to try typing entries up and then posting them when I’m online.
The past few weeks have been challenging in a number of ways – I’ve moved city, discovered that the solution for living arrangements I was so happy with is probably not going to work out, panicked, tried not to panic, met some lovely people, attended a course about subjects far removed from my normal preoccupations, and had a mixture of absolutely awful and simply fabulous times.
I think I’ve also been chatted up a couple of times, but as per usual I’m somewhat oblivious and haven’t noticed until I’ve thought about it afterwards!
However, I am a little confused. The course I took part in last week was really quite extraordinary, and reminded me of several things – how much I enjoy the company of intelligent, well-educated people, how lovely it is to be treated like a lady again, after several years of male company that could rarely be described as ‘gentlemanly’, how much I like nice things, nice places and a sense of affluence (sadly, this does not reflect the state of my bank balance, but that’s a moan for another time!). The majority of the participants were somewhat younger than I, but mostly very bright, and the week as a whole was a great pleasure.
The confusion arises from the behaviour of a certain gentleman – in my age range, successful, charming, charismatic, generous, highly intelligent – in short, generally a delightful companion, and both extremely attractive and accomplished to boot. We have a lot in common, and I thoroughly enjoyed his company. We worked together on several projects during the week, and I assumed that his interest was simply friendly – taking a pleasant and polite interest in a colleague with whom you share quite a lot in common. I registered fairly fast that he was attractive, but it didn’t even cross my mind that he might think the same of me.
Late in the week, several of us went out. I needed to go home briefly, so met up with the others slightly later than planned. When I arrived, he, uncharacteristically discourteously, leant behind the back of the person sitting between us to talk to me and was disarmingly honest and really rather funny about the progress of the evening to date. We all moved on to another venue, we sat next to each other, and though there was plenty of space, there was a certain amount of leg-contact – leg leaning against leg – going on. An accidental-seeming brush against my breast, which he surprisingly didn’t apologise for, and some rather flirtatious, but possibly just high-spirited, behaviour, though nothing overt, added to the fun. Dancing followed, though group- rather than couple-oriented. Frankly, I was having huge amounts of fun! Then, at the end of the evening, when saying goodbye, he said “You’re coming with me, I presume”, twice in a short space of time. The evening before, he’d dropped me off at home on his way to another function, so he knew that I live in the opposite direction to him. I pointed out that it wasn’t geographically sensible, and he seemed a bit taken aback, and then left without any further ado. Did he in fact assume that I was going home with him? It seems unlikely to me, but I am now mentally reviewing the evening in some perplexity. Yes, we’d all drunk a fair bit, but as far as I could tell, intellects were not impaired on either side of this equation.
The following day, he seemed a little cool towards me (though this could have been the hangover!), then made quite a big deal of getting me to text him a photo of the evening before – we now both have each other’s number. Later on, he dropped a query regarding relationship status into a conversation I was having with another girl. I overheard him say earlier in the week that he’d just come out of a long-ish relationship and wasn’t really looking for a ‘replacement’. I’m puzzled. He’s very nice, extremely attractive, and to be honest, I rather wish I’d just got in the taxi with him as he seemed to assume I would – at least then I’d know what he meant!
Did I misunderstand completely? What do you think? Am I reading an attraction on his part into a perfectly innocent situation, possibly because I find him rather appealing? Or did I miss the clues completely? He’s away this weekend, but will be back in town at some point in the next few weeks. I know he has my number and I have his. We will be connected on Facebook in a few days via a course page, and I’d definitely like to see him again – he’d be a great friend, if nothing else – but it seems a little odd to pursue on the strength of a week’s acquaintance and a few confusing moments, and seems unlikely somehow – he’s far more glamorous than I, and could probably pick up almost anyone he chose.
Advice, please! Bewitched, bothered and bewildered am I!
The past few weeks have been challenging in a number of ways – I’ve moved city, discovered that the solution for living arrangements I was so happy with is probably not going to work out, panicked, tried not to panic, met some lovely people, attended a course about subjects far removed from my normal preoccupations, and had a mixture of absolutely awful and simply fabulous times.
I think I’ve also been chatted up a couple of times, but as per usual I’m somewhat oblivious and haven’t noticed until I’ve thought about it afterwards!
However, I am a little confused. The course I took part in last week was really quite extraordinary, and reminded me of several things – how much I enjoy the company of intelligent, well-educated people, how lovely it is to be treated like a lady again, after several years of male company that could rarely be described as ‘gentlemanly’, how much I like nice things, nice places and a sense of affluence (sadly, this does not reflect the state of my bank balance, but that’s a moan for another time!). The majority of the participants were somewhat younger than I, but mostly very bright, and the week as a whole was a great pleasure.
The confusion arises from the behaviour of a certain gentleman – in my age range, successful, charming, charismatic, generous, highly intelligent – in short, generally a delightful companion, and both extremely attractive and accomplished to boot. We have a lot in common, and I thoroughly enjoyed his company. We worked together on several projects during the week, and I assumed that his interest was simply friendly – taking a pleasant and polite interest in a colleague with whom you share quite a lot in common. I registered fairly fast that he was attractive, but it didn’t even cross my mind that he might think the same of me.
Late in the week, several of us went out. I needed to go home briefly, so met up with the others slightly later than planned. When I arrived, he, uncharacteristically discourteously, leant behind the back of the person sitting between us to talk to me and was disarmingly honest and really rather funny about the progress of the evening to date. We all moved on to another venue, we sat next to each other, and though there was plenty of space, there was a certain amount of leg-contact – leg leaning against leg – going on. An accidental-seeming brush against my breast, which he surprisingly didn’t apologise for, and some rather flirtatious, but possibly just high-spirited, behaviour, though nothing overt, added to the fun. Dancing followed, though group- rather than couple-oriented. Frankly, I was having huge amounts of fun! Then, at the end of the evening, when saying goodbye, he said “You’re coming with me, I presume”, twice in a short space of time. The evening before, he’d dropped me off at home on his way to another function, so he knew that I live in the opposite direction to him. I pointed out that it wasn’t geographically sensible, and he seemed a bit taken aback, and then left without any further ado. Did he in fact assume that I was going home with him? It seems unlikely to me, but I am now mentally reviewing the evening in some perplexity. Yes, we’d all drunk a fair bit, but as far as I could tell, intellects were not impaired on either side of this equation.
The following day, he seemed a little cool towards me (though this could have been the hangover!), then made quite a big deal of getting me to text him a photo of the evening before – we now both have each other’s number. Later on, he dropped a query regarding relationship status into a conversation I was having with another girl. I overheard him say earlier in the week that he’d just come out of a long-ish relationship and wasn’t really looking for a ‘replacement’. I’m puzzled. He’s very nice, extremely attractive, and to be honest, I rather wish I’d just got in the taxi with him as he seemed to assume I would – at least then I’d know what he meant!
Did I misunderstand completely? What do you think? Am I reading an attraction on his part into a perfectly innocent situation, possibly because I find him rather appealing? Or did I miss the clues completely? He’s away this weekend, but will be back in town at some point in the next few weeks. I know he has my number and I have his. We will be connected on Facebook in a few days via a course page, and I’d definitely like to see him again – he’d be a great friend, if nothing else – but it seems a little odd to pursue on the strength of a week’s acquaintance and a few confusing moments, and seems unlikely somehow – he’s far more glamorous than I, and could probably pick up almost anyone he chose.
Advice, please! Bewitched, bothered and bewildered am I!
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