No, I have not disappeared off the face of the earth. Would anyone have noticed anyway?

As you can probably tell from my title, I'm feeling rather down tonight. It's been a while since I posted, for a variety of reasons, including a family crisis and a fairly long work trip from which I have just returned. I should be happy. The trip was successful, to beautiful, sunny places. However, I came back to discover that most of my so-called friends hadn't even realised I was away, to three bills and no other post, to a myriad of emails, but none I wanted to read, and to what seems an endless loneliness. I just wish there was someone, anyone, who gave a toss, who might have met me at the airport, or called and said "I've missed you. Let's have a coffee this week and catch up".

It probably doesn't help that these trips also mean an abysmal diet - far too much bread, and only easy, fatty proteins, like cheese and salami. Anything I can buy cheaply, and eat, picnic-style, in my uber-cheap hotel rooms. Lots of fruit as well - it's so cheap there - but that doesn't change the fact that all my clothes feel just that bit too tight, and I feel even more physically repulsive than usual.

When is this going to change? When is there going to be someone in my life who would notice if I disappeared entirely? My mother doesn't count - she needs me to answer the phone to prop her up, as much as anything else. Is it even possible that it will? I spent the second week at an industry event. I overheard countless propositions, I witnessed years of flirtation being squished into a few days. It seemed that everyone was feeling the love, except me. Perhaps I give off "Don't even think about it" vibes. Maybe I really am intimidating.

Ignore me please, tonight I feel desperately lonely, unloved and unloveable, and very, very sorry for myself. Must be PMS - normally I deal with this much, much better.