As you can probably tell from my title, I'm feeling rather down tonight. It's been a while since I posted, for a variety of reasons, including a family crisis and a fairly long work trip from which I have just returned. I should be happy. The trip was successful, to beautiful, sunny places. However, I came back to discover that most of my so-called friends hadn't even realised I was away, to three bills and no other post, to a myriad of emails, but none I wanted to read, and to what seems an endless loneliness. I just wish there was someone, anyone, who gave a toss, who might have met me at the airport, or called and said "I've missed you. Let's have a coffee this week and catch up".
It probably doesn't help that these trips also mean an abysmal diet - far too much bread, and only easy, fatty proteins, like cheese and salami. Anything I can buy cheaply, and eat, picnic-style, in my uber-cheap hotel rooms. Lots of fruit as well - it's so cheap there - but that doesn't change the fact that all my clothes feel just that bit too tight, and I feel even more physically repulsive than usual.
When is this going to change? When is there going to be someone in my life who would notice if I disappeared entirely? My mother doesn't count - she needs me to answer the phone to prop her up, as much as anything else. Is it even possible that it will? I spent the second week at an industry event. I overheard countless propositions, I witnessed years of flirtation being squished into a few days. It seemed that everyone was feeling the love, except me. Perhaps I give off "Don't even think about it" vibes. Maybe I really am intimidating.
Ignore me please, tonight I feel desperately lonely, unloved and unloveable, and very, very sorry for myself. Must be PMS - normally I deal with this much, much better.
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Not ignoring you, I think that would be about the last thing you need right now. Everyone goes through a rough patch once in a while. 27 is too young to give up and feel as if you'll always be lonely. You won't be. Sometimes focusing on the fact that you feel alone is just enough to make your situation worse. When you open yourself up to the world and tell yourself that you're fine as you are- is when people start realizing that you really are fine. They want that type of satisfaction and confidence rubbing off on them and that's when they'll go the extra mile to be in your company. From my experience, it's always worked.
ReplyDeleteYou're an extremely interesting and intelligent person. You don't need anyone else to be happy. Once you start realizing that is when your problems will slowly start dissolving. Just hang in there.
Thanks for not ignoring me - you're right, it probably was about the last thing I needed. And thank you for your kind words. Normally I am much more able to cope with these rough patches - it was just a particularly bad one, brought about by a LOT of time on my own, dealing with very difficult and stressful situations. Often I do believe that I am fine as I am, but sometimes without the confirmation that others provide, it becomes a bit difficult to hold onto that conviction. And you're right - my happiness should not require another person - it just seems like life might be more pleasant, and a lot easier, if there was someone to give me a hug at the end of the day. I'm sure coupledom has its' down-sides too, but you know what they say about variety being the spice of life... Mind you, they also say that the grass is always greener!
ReplyDeleteActually it's not even so much about being single - it was more the realisation that I have so few meaningful relationships in my life that I can go away for two weeks, and no-one seems to have noticed - a bit depressing! Nature of the job, though, I suspect - ever-changing colleagues for short periods of time, and lots of time on your own in strange cities or at home. Must learn to deal with it better!
Thanks again - feeling a little more sanguine today, and hanging in, or hanging on, for dear life!
It's never wrong to want that type of connection. We're all human after all. We need it. I think the important thing is to recognize that you don't have enough of it and to go out there and get it.
ReplyDeleteYour days can be filled with more than just wanting a man. It can be filled with a lot of women... and some men. Friends, is what I'm trying to say. That's really all we need. Okay, maybe not all we need but close :)
In all honesty, although a boyfriend/lover/husband/whatever would be really nice, I think my low point was actually mostly to do with the fact that no-one seemed to have noticed that I was away for two weeks, not one of my so-called friends. Just makes you feel really isolated if it seems that not a single person really gives a toss. I think it's partly to do with my industry - we're all freelance, so unless you are working on the same project it's really easy to go for months without seeing each other, and of course, when there's no work on... months without seeing anyone at all! Wanting a career, wanting some friends who notice if I'm not around, wanting to be financially secure, wanting a man - at the moment, it's all part and parcel of the same thing. I knew this year would be hard, but I didn't expect it to be quite so bad, so soon. Trying very hard not to get into a self-pitying rut, just not doing so well at the moment.
ReplyDeleteHiiiii! Hope you're feeling loads more better now! No, you're NOT going through a self-pitying rut. I totally can relate to all you're feeling! All those feelings of unlovedness, loneliness, depression-i've gone through all of that. What really helped me out were my friends! But even now I go through these utterly dreadful fits of boredom! Just on the recovery process of one such 'boredom fit' and your blog is helping me! :D
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