Reading back over yesterday's entries, and particularly the latter of the two, I realise how aggressive and angry they sound. It's easy to accept being sad, feeling lonely, even the official 'depression' is a socially acceptable response to feeling that life, in some ways, is passing you by.
Anger seems far less so. But I am angry.
I am angry that I feared my father so much for so long that I am afraid I will never trust easily, and men in particular. I am angry that my mother's precepts of what was ladylike and polite and safe curbed my burgeoning sexuality before I really even had a chance to explore it. I am angry that society has inculcated such a limited idea of female attractiveness and feminine behaviour into my mind, and those of my friends, as much as the minds of the men around me. I am angry that no boy or man has ever had the guts to attempt to break through the public persona to the girl inside. Above all, I am angry at myself - for not being happy with the many blessings I have, for seeming to be unable to deal with the emotional reasons I hang onto my extra weight, which in itself I am sure is more of an obstacle in my own mind than in that of others, for wanting to be extraordinary, and at the same time craving the warmth, support and love of a family I create with one special man, our friends, our families, and, one day, our children. For not being able to make myself understand that these things are not easily compatible, for wanting it all, and for allowing the lack of it to hurt so much.
In less than a month, I will be 27. I have never been asked on a date, I have never been kissed, or kissed anyone else romantically, I have never known what it feels like to be in love and to have that love reciprocated. It has been a very long time since I met a man who really sparked my interest and I worry that I no longer have the ability - that my attraction function has shuit down, permanently. I know how melodramatic much of this sounds, and I despise the weakness in myself that needs these experiences to feel human. I want to love and be loved, not in a familial or platonic sense, I want to feel desire, and to be desired, I want to create children, and a family, with a man I love and who loves me. No, my ovaries aren't giving up quite yet, but I'm so far behind the learning curve on this that I'm not sure I'll ever catch up.
Every year, since I was sixteen or so, I have made the same pledge on my birthday: "This year's the year. This time next year I'll have had my first kiss, I'll have started really living, I will be happy, I won't feel so alone. " This year, I'm not sure I will make that pledge, because my realistic, pragmatic brain is starting to win out over my optimistic, romantic, eternally hopeful heart. Another thing that frightens me. I am angry, I am afraid, I yearn and I exist. And now, it seems, I blog.
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i'm glad you blog. and i think you're really using this medium well to get things off your chest which is always good. it's okay to be angry. i feel angry at times as well. as though i'm shaking a fist at the cosmic conspiracy the universe seems to sometimes trap me in. it's natural to want love and all that and i can only hope that one day when you do find it, you'll find the wait was worth the while. 'coz it's easy to have that first kiss. but to have that first kiss that means something? not always quite as easy.
ReplyDeleteI used to think the same way as you. I also used to think each year that "this will be the year." By the time I turned 20, I had yet to have my first kiss and started lying to myself. Soon, I actually began to believe it. I didn't get my first kiss until I was 21. I've since kissed many frogs, and looking back on my time before I had been kissed, I honestly never thought it'd happen. Don't give up hope yet! You're only 26. I'm sure there are people who were older than you when they got their first kiss and are now blissfully happy with the love of their lives. I know it's a kind of sunshine and moonbeams way of thinking, but it's how the world works sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI would just hate to see you give up hope, because as I've learned time and time again, things really do happen when you least expect them to. The only advice I can give is to put yourself out of your comfort zone and you'll see some great things happen if your open to them.
Thank you both for your comments and positive support. I usually deal with all this much better, but it seems I was feeling particularly sorry for myself last week! I'm not giving up hope, exactly, just thinking that perhaps it's important that this year I don't make promises to myself that I can't necessarily keep, and which involve the participation of someone I may not have met yet! I guess what I'm thinking is that I have to find a way of being happy by myself. Hoping that someone will come along, but not relying on it for my happiness and self-compassion (if there is such a word!). I think part of the challenge for me is that I've always been very successful in the things I've wanted to do, and in some way, I feel like I've failed at this. It's not a feeling I'm familiar with, or, obviously, very comfortable with. Bless you both for taking the time to comment - it really does help to know there are others like me around, especially when it so often seems that the rest of the world is merrily rolling along in a haze of love, or at least, active sexuality!
ReplyDeleteYou're very welcome! This little network we seem to have going is truly inspiring and helpful. I hope we can all learn from each other and grow in this process. =)
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