One of the greatest challenges I face in my day-to-day life is handling the emotions raised when my friends and colleagues bemoan the troubles in their relationships, or alternately, publicly enjoy the pleasure of being part of a pair. Sweet gestures, affectionate touches or words, however small, can rip through the lower abdomen like a scimitar when witnessed repeatedly by a person whose desire to experience such joy is so fierce a longing.
However hard to watch, I find myself seeking out these sights, trawling the fan-fiction sites for tender or angst-ridden relationships to invest in, emotionally and erotically. I advise friends (oh, the irony that I should be so sought-after among my friends for relationship advice!) to pursue men I have found attractive - I have been instrumental in at least three marriages to date. I live my non-existent love life through others - factual and fictional alike - one could almost say I punish myself by seeking out what I do not have, what I long for and sometimes doubt will ever be mine, to hold it in front of my own eyes, just beyond my grasping reach. The masochism I recognise, but I do not know what it is that I am punishing myself for.
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i love the way you write. your words really painted such a vivid image. it really gripped me.
ReplyDeleteand yes, i know how it feels when you're with other couples. there was this time when i had to sit in a wedding at a table full of couples (they are my ex classmates. somehow i have ex classmates who are coupled with each other)and had to endure the entire dinner where these couples would do sweet things for each other. thank goodness for the wine!
your not alone in your feelings i too know about living vicariously through others. its not the greatest thing. but i believe one day u will experience those things on your own. then you can kiss the vicarious living goodbye.
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